Tag Archives: tom collins

Open Letter From A Disgruntled Writer Seeking Freelance Work (To All Potential Recruiters)

Height:  5’7″.  Weight:  170 lbs, thereabouts.  Eyes:  carbonated brown (soda-colored, that is).  Kind to animals domestic and foreign–Wait.  Wrong ad.  Let me start over:

Word-addict, shower-singer, thinks out loud, but only when it counts.  Words per minute:  70-ish.  Probably better.  Haven’t taken the test in a long time.  Not SEO-certified, but willing to take a prepaid course.  No experience in the “real world”, save for blurbs, e-blasts, and providing pro bono assistance to the flushed, procrastinating senior who needs 8 credits to graduate.  Will work for spiral notebooks.  Will twerk for biscuits.

Four years at an accredited university with bachelors degree–signed, dated, and framed.  Oxford comma supporter (will attend rallies with advance notice).  Sharp dresser on sunny days.  I rock my Charlie Chaplin’s on muggy ones (i.e. rugged shoes).  Trusty with a pen and pad (I’m a fast writer).  Can provide fingerprints upon request (my pinky is always smudged with ink) (I’m left-handed).  Quirkiness is one of my strong points, so I’m told, like providing asides one after the other within parentheses.  Wait, was I just talking to myself?

Available on weekends when my girlfriend and I aren’t at the movies.  Available on weekday evenings after dinner and before bedtime (10:30-ish).  That gives me a three hour window to focus solely on writing (after I’ve had my coffee, obviously).  References furnished upon request.  Refreshments furnished upon request (I mix a mean Tom Collins, or Johnnie Walker).  Can lift 30 lbs or more, if required.  Can engage in arm wrestling matches, for the right price.  Able to work immediately.  Need to have two-week notice before I can work immediately, however.  I can make copies and stamp envelopes.  I answer the phone like nobody’s business.  I really don’t want to, though.  I’m actually getting a cramp just from writing this.  In fact it may be wise to end here, on a strong note.

So, who’s hiring?